Lamentations of the Soul

And the previous weeks of my life was really tragic, disaster and really a crappy one. But on the other hand, these last days, the wheel of fortune comes out to my life and blessed me with a great surprise. Without exaggeration, it seems like the real embodiment of joy happened in me and it came impulsively.

The past days and weeks of my life really gave me a panoramic view of who am I. –a worthless guy. In such instances of my life, I couldn't help but realize that I pictured myself as poppycock, balderdash, jabber, rabish and gobbledygook creature living in this planet.

I want to scream, to shout and to discharge all the things, energy and emotions on my system. I know that this things shouldn't happen. I know what is the right thing to do. I know it. I know it. I know what is right and what is wrong. But, I cannot refuse. I don't know how to say no, to decline.

I do not know what is happening to myself. One thing that I know is that I exist and painstakingly suffering the risk that I have chosen. One thing that I knew back then is that, I am suspended in the atmosphere, freely moving. And if these circumstances will linger, I would definitely deeply fall, tumble and go head over heels. The worst scenario that will really dump me.

I feel that I am helpless. I cried, but I choose that no one should see me. In which people that surrounds me will only see the "me" that is blissful, exultant. The sadness that surrounds me, kills me li'l by li'l. Until, I felt that tremendous grief, melancholic emotion.

I'm not an emo guy. And I hate to belong someday on that flock. But feelings really placed me into a place where I can not go. I am paralyzed.

But last Sunday while I am attending the Thanksgiving Session, all things turned out to be a sudden transformation. Because of the topic discussed by Bro. Eli, my spirit comes out to be delighted. I cannot explain the feeling, the emotion,that occupied myself. No words could elaborate all the thoughts that I understand on that day. Really a big and great blessing that God had given to me. It seems that on that time, on that day, on that circumstance, God speaks to me. Out from the heavens, I heard his voice. I heard HIM talking to me.

As the verses of the Bible were continually read by sis Luz and by Bro. Eli. My eyes turned to be watery. I want to cry. But I don't want. Many emotions intermingle with each other. I feel the joy in my heart. A feeling that I cannot explain. I felt God's grace on that time. I felt God's magnificent Love, and His Great Righteousness in that point of my life. I felt that the worries and pains on my heart turn to ease, turn to be healed.

I thank God because of these things that is happening to me. Know I really understand and realize how worthless I am and how Great is thy God of Israel. I know I am a sinner. A futile sinner that shouldn't be entertained by a great Master. But on that day, on that significant day. I felt His tender loving goodness and righteousness. And now I am grateful. Thanks to the Almighty God for His unspeakable gifts.

Now, I am ready to face the sinful society. And in God's grace I can do all this things with Him. I do not know what challenges would be the next. But now, I know where I fall.

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

Revelation 2:5

King James Version

Thanks be to God, and to the preacher that He sent to us. Thanks be to God. Thanks be to God. 

But if the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed, and keep all my statutes, and do that which is lawful and right, he shall surely live, he shall not die. Ezekiel 18:21 King James Version

All his transgressions that he hath committed, they shall not be mentioned unto him: in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live. Ezekiel 18:22 King James Version